So.. doesnt it suck when people you thought would stick by you through thick and thin, just push you away like you mean nothing? Like your life has amounted to such shit they can't put up with you anymore? That really kills me. The one person I thought would stay strong for me, has pretty much given up on me. Or pushed me away. And quite frankly im tired of running back to him, of trying so hard to stay in his life. As far as Im concerned, if he wants me around, he'll have to come find me.

But on a lighter note... I had an amazing weekend; met some amazing people and did some crazy things! I'm sooo in love with life. I just wish asshole could cooperate instead of adding some negativity into my life. I finally bought a phone.. and we've had two snow days ina row so far! Rumor has it there could be another tomorrow, but Im not holding my breath. I'm going back to freeport next saturday, too! Gonna have a craazy ass funn time, imsure!

ill put some pics up maybe..

Sometimes I traveled alone, sometimes there were others that took the wheel, and took my heart. But when the destination was reached it wasn't me who arrived, it wasn't me at all. And once you lose yourself you have two choices: find the person you used to be, or lose that person completely. Because sometimes you have to step outside of the person you've been and remember the person you were meant to be, the person you wanted to be .... the person you are.
--one tree hill

ive been really down lately. i hate it. i was ona roll with the whole happy thing and then it seemed like everything started crashin in around me. i just feel like something isnt right and i cant totally pinpoint it. when i THINK ive found it, and get rid of it, im STILL sad becuz  then im like, dammit i lost something else and it sucks and i want it back. its like i cant make up my mind! its driving me INSANE!

& i know my friends are tired of me complaining about the same old things.. its not like their advice is getting any different, or like theres any other ideas. im in the SAME damn predicament and im pissed.

i hate drama. i was successful at stayin away from fuckin drama and now it seems like i cant get away from it.. i let one thing in and everything else comes runnin with it

goddammit.

at least tomorrow is thanksgiving--- im excited for that.

i think the reason for my sadness today is because of my imminent loss. i know where this is going so it saddens me to realize that in just a short amount of time it'll be gone; and those butterflies, the random smiles, the phone calls, will all be lost in time. just memories to be looked back on..

you could look at me and say that i doom myself to be this way; that i let myself smother my happiness. but.. in the long run, i know that its better to end it sooner rather than later.

its like you have to pick one:

happiness now, or happines later.

living for the moment is all fine and dandy, but living for the future is even better. if you have a goal, you know you will try ten times harder to reach it. you will not make useless decisions that will ruin that goal. you will do the right things (hopefully) to achieve it. when you are only living for today, with no future in mind.. you're making dumb decisions, finding you're regretting things, and potentially leading yourself down the road to a future you never wanted to have.

so its all a matter of doing the right thing.

i see my goal so clearly, i can just about touch it. and i know that some of the things im doing now could potentially harm it and i could never end up reaching it. so its like, whats more important? what will make me happier?

stepping outside myself i can see that no matter how much i like him, no matter how much im attracted to him, NOT going there will insure that i will reach my goal.

so therefore the only option i see is detaching myself.

but ahh, the feeling of love. the feeling i will let myself NOT feel.

im crazy huh?

hes adorable, hes sexy, he makes me feel DAMN good.

so part of me wants to indulge in some sexy fun before i cant anymore.

but its like

you can only lose so much of yourself before you lose all of yourself, and then you're left with hollow nothingness.

so i think ill pass on that.

:(

life is crazy.

its a rollercoaster-- full of turns and hills and loops. its unexpected, its fast, its exciting.

but it can be scary.

and it can leave you feeling sick to your stomach.

my life is no exception to that. right now, life has left me sick to my stomach. it has brought me pain and regret. My list of regrets has increasingly become larger lately. I want it to stop-- i wish i could wipe the slate clean, start fresh.

thats my hope.. is that, i can go to AC and start all over. wipe the slate clean, forget all my past troubles, and jump into life. to find fulfillment, satisfaction. i want to have fun and walk away from it without a guilty conscience. i want to be able to keep that fun forever, rather than have it turn bitter and ugly.

the world is so ugly. it betrayed me. i hate it.