i think the reason for my sadness today is because of my imminent loss. i know where this is going so it saddens me to realize that in just a short amount of time it'll be gone; and those butterflies, the random smiles, the phone calls, will all be lost in time. just memories to be looked back on..

you could look at me and say that i doom myself to be this way; that i let myself smother my happiness. but.. in the long run, i know that its better to end it sooner rather than later.

its like you have to pick one:

happiness now, or happines later.

living for the moment is all fine and dandy, but living for the future is even better. if you have a goal, you know you will try ten times harder to reach it. you will not make useless decisions that will ruin that goal. you will do the right things (hopefully) to achieve it. when you are only living for today, with no future in mind.. you're making dumb decisions, finding you're regretting things, and potentially leading yourself down the road to a future you never wanted to have.

so its all a matter of doing the right thing.

i see my goal so clearly, i can just about touch it. and i know that some of the things im doing now could potentially harm it and i could never end up reaching it. so its like, whats more important? what will make me happier?

stepping outside myself i can see that no matter how much i like him, no matter how much im attracted to him, NOT going there will insure that i will reach my goal.

so therefore the only option i see is detaching myself.

but ahh, the feeling of love. the feeling i will let myself NOT feel.

im crazy huh?

hes adorable, hes sexy, he makes me feel DAMN good.

so part of me wants to indulge in some sexy fun before i cant anymore.

but its like

you can only lose so much of yourself before you lose all of yourself, and then you're left with hollow nothingness.

so i think ill pass on that.

:(