le_beaumonde's Xanga

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Tue, 12 Feb 2008 21:52:08 GMT

So.. doesnt it suck when people you thought would stick by you through thick and thin, just push you away like you mean nothing? Like your life has amounted to such shit they can't put up with you anymore? That really kills me. The one person I thought would stay strong for me, has pretty much given up on me. Or pushed me away. And quite frankly im tired of running back to him, of trying so hard to stay in his life. As far as Im concerned, if he wants me around, he'll have to come find me.

But on a lighter note... I had an amazing weekend; met some amazing people and did some crazy things! I'm sooo in love with life. I just wish asshole could cooperate instead of adding some negativity into my life. I finally bought a phone.. and we've had two snow days ina row so far! Rumor has it there could be another tomorrow, but Im not holding my breath. I'm going back to freeport next saturday, too! Gonna have a craazy ass funn time, imsure!

ill put some pics up maybe..

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Wed, 21 Nov 2007 21:07:25 GMT

Sometimes I traveled alone, sometimes there were others that took the wheel, and took my heart. But when the destination was reached it wasn't me who arrived, it wasn't me at all. And once you lose yourself you have two choices: find the person you used to be, or lose that person completely. Because sometimes you have to step outside of the person you've been and remember the person you were meant to be, the person you wanted to be .... the person you are.
--one tree hill

ive been really down lately. i hate it. i was ona roll with the whole happy thing and then it seemed like everything started crashin in around me. i just feel like something isnt right and i cant totally pinpoint it. when i THINK ive found it, and get rid of it, im STILL sad becuz then im like, dammit i lost something else and it sucks and i want it back. its like i cant make up my mind! its driving me INSANE!

& i know my friends are tired of me complaining about the same old things.. its not like their advice is getting any different, or like theres any other ideas. im in the SAME damn predicament and im pissed.

i hate drama. i was successful at stayin away from fuckin drama and now it seems like i cant get away from it.. i let one thing in and everything else comes runnin with it

goddammit.

at least tomorrow is thanksgiving--- im excited for that.

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Sat, 03 Nov 2007 21:50:07 GMT

i think the reason for my sadness today is because of my imminent loss. i know where this is going so it saddens me to realize that in just a short amount of time it'll be gone; and those butterflies, the random smiles, the phone calls, will all be lost in time. just memories to be looked back on..

you could look at me and say that i doom myself to be this way; that i let myself smother my happiness. but.. in the long run, i know that its better to end it sooner rather than later.

its like you have to pick one:

happiness now, or happines later.

living for the moment is all fine and dandy, but living for the future is even better. if you have a goal, you know you will try ten times harder to reach it. you will not make useless decisions that will ruin that goal. you will do the right things (hopefully) to achieve it. when you are only living for today, with no future in mind.. you're making dumb decisions, finding you're regretting things, and potentially leading yourself down the road to a future you never wanted to have.

so its all a matter of doing the right thing.

i see my goal so clearly, i can just about touch it. and i know that some of the things im doing now could potentially harm it and i could never end up reaching it. so its like, whats more important? what will make me happier?

stepping outside myself i can see that no matter how much i like him, no matter how much im attracted to him, NOT going there will insure that i will reach my goal.

so therefore the only option i see is detaching myself.

but ahh, the feeling of love. the feeling i will let myself NOT feel.

im crazy huh?

hes adorable, hes sexy, he makes me feel DAMN good.

so part of me wants to indulge in some sexy fun before i cant anymore.

but its like

you can only lose so much of yourself before you lose all of yourself, and then you're left with hollow nothingness.

so i think ill pass on that.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 20:59:30 GMT

the regrets were piercing and clear; a testament to all who chose to see. They were haunting and real, they were lasting and ugly. All questioned them, brought them to her mind every day. She couldn't run from them, couldn't escape them. Before long, they followered her everywhere. They were on their faces, in the sky, in the backs of her eyelids, in her dreams, in the voices that spoke to her. It seemed that she would never climb this jagged mountain. She would continue to stumble, and cut her fingers. When would it end? Could she ever get rid of them? The tears she cried nightly couldn't wash away the guilt they brought her. These self inflicted regrets would scab over and scar in time. They would just be a few bad reputations to her name. Big deal?

Monday, October 22, 2007

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 02:19:12 GMT

life is crazy.

its a rollercoaster-- full of turns and hills and loops. its unexpected, its fast, its exciting.

but it can be scary.

and it can leave you feeling sick to your stomach.

my life is no exception to that. right now, life has left me sick to my stomach. it has brought me pain and regret. My list of regrets has increasingly become larger lately. I want it to stop-- i wish i could wipe the slate clean, start fresh.

thats my hope.. is that, i can go to AC and start all over. wipe the slate clean, forget all my past troubles, and jump into life. to find fulfillment, satisfaction. i want to have fun and walk away from it without a guilty conscience. i want to be able to keep that fun forever, rather than have it turn bitter and ugly.

the world is so ugly. it betrayed me. i hate it.

Monday, September 03, 2007

Mon, 03 Sep 2007 23:50:23 GMT

When did your heart go missing?

I'm not asking for epic love. I'm not asking for eternity. I'm asking for now, today, tomorrow, a month from now. I'm askin for just A LITTLE love. You know? I'm sick of the idea of messing around with people that don't mean anything to me. To making out with guys while drunk and afterwords thinking, wtf? This guy meant NOTHING to me, at all. I've never in my entire 18 years of living kissed someone I was in love with... or that I had feelings remotely similar to love. How sad is that?

By maybe 16 everyone has typically kissed someone that meant SOMETHING to them. Well, excluding ME.

If I really think about it.. they've all been strangers. I can only sayyy one of them was someone I knew. But even then, I didn't even like them. I've never felt those sparks.

I've never had someone to cuddle with, hold hands, and make out for hours with. It's always been something I've wanted or thought about... to the point of becoming a total love cynic.

Seriously, love makes me want to puke. But at the same time, I sit there deep down thinking, why is it impossible for me to find that?

When your 15 year old sister has found "the one" (whether he be THE one or not) and you haven't even dated someone you liked, that spells pathetic, to me.

I know I'm young, and I have time. But still, on the other hand, I'm only promised this moment. Anything beyond that is questionable. Accidents happen. You can't say, "that will never happen to me". Because anyone that has been in those "accidents" probably said the same thing.

So sometimes I'm like.. i need it NOW! Before time runs out, before I get old, before I become too bitter, before there's no one left for me.

And every nice guy I meet, I find something in them I don't like. Whether it be NOOO physical attraction whatsoever, or just feeling like they don't get me. Maybe I've thought up someone too great to exist. Although I like to think I'm a woman of few needs. I don't need extravagance. I just want passion, truth, honesty, laughter, and the feeling like this is IT! Is that so much to ask for? Am I that bad that I can't have a good looking passionate honest guy?

I try to convince myself that I don't need that shit to make myself feel content with my life. But the more I try to convince myself that the more I realize how unsatisfied I am with my single position. I want young love. I don't even care if its headed for disaster. As long as I can have it once before I expire.

And another thing I think I do, is hold on and hold on until I can't let go. Maybe I'm just not capable of moving passed where I'm at because I dont know exactly where to go, what to do. Or maybe I dont have the courage to let go, or go elsewhere.

I wish I was fearless.

I wish I had initiative.

I mean, I do, but I'm just .. stuck.

I want SO MUCH change, but I do SO LITTLE to change.

What to do with me?

haha.

I feel sometimes like I'm the only one with this problem... with the inability to find love.. When I look around and see EVERYONE finding SOME. The uglies, the bitches, the shy kids, pretty much everyone.

And then theres Kate.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Sat, 11 Aug 2007 22:59:30 GMT

ahahhahahaha.

wow.

its crazy how much life can change in so little time. One minute you think everythings goin good, then the next minute its all shot to hell, and you're back to feeling like shit. HALLELUJAH. im so fucking happpy!

THANK YOU SO MUCH PCG FOR TAKING AWAY MY BEST FRIEND. I APPRECIATE IT GREATLY. .... NOT!

I dont know, I've said this a million times to a million people, but my best friends are my life. Really. I got nothing else. And I'm not trying to get anyones pity cuz i dont fucking need it. The thing/person i need the most.. is gonna be gone. So fuck pity. Fuck whatever I've been tryin to do with my life. It sucks because I feel like, from here on out, I'm gonna have to do things alone. Yes, I know my best friend is gonna be there for me always and I know shes comin back someday. But still.. a part of me realizes that im gonna have to do this living thing alone. Im gonna get through school alone. im gonna move out alone. im prbly gonna go to bars alone. but hopefully not leave alone.. ;) haha.

AHH IDK. maybe the reason im taking this so fuckin hard.. is because i know that im gonna have to be alone. I know it'll take ME to get me through. I wont be able to rely on me being with my best friend. I'll have to rely on myself. Anything I do will be alone, and I have to get over that fact. Any fun I've had this year and this summer, its been with katie. Without katie ive sat on my ass and wasted my life away. So I guess im taking it so hard cuz i feel like im gonna start wasting my life away again.

and now people are talking shit again. so.. hahhahhahaha, goodbye.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Fri, 27 Jul 2007 20:29:57 GMT

ahh, im so happy. :]
im officially driving now.. :D! aaaaaannnnndddd.. idk, life is starting to look up again.

hellz yea.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Thu, 12 Jul 2007 17:44:46 GMT

WOW, so.. life has been.. interesting since last time i posted on here.

I think I lost my excitement for life and my love for summer.

the fireworks night didnt turn out as great as i had anticipated. i was expecting something great like how last year was, but it wasnt.

that whole week at katie's was just ..crazy.

after the fireworks we got yelled at by her drunk mom and i stayed at her house until thurs, because i didnt want to leave her. But it turns out me being there was less help than if i would have left, because her mom blew up WORSE thurs-- when me, my sister, and her bf john was there.

lets just say..... we had her two sisters bitchin us out, threatened to call the cops, kicked out of town, tried to find katie -- who had run off, and didnt get home till late late. and it was the craziest scariest most shit-in-your-pants unbelievable day of my life. ha.

but we've all recovered, and its semi-blown over.

but ive yet to hang with katie, and that makes me sad. We're hoping to do something this weekend. but now that her mom hates me it'll be difficult to hang like we did before.. since she lives an hr away and all.

She'll be 18 in like a month and something days so it'll be sooo much better then. I cant wait. Not only that but.. I'll be driving, [yea yea i know im 18 i should have been driving a looong time ago..] so therefore ill be going over there a lot, i dont give a shit about her mom and her stupid sisters. she cant do shit. =]

but anyways...........

now ive just been relaxin, "enjoyin" the summer INSIDE, and waitin.. I'm lookin for a job, workin on my license, HOPING that the summer will at least END good. I'm so bummed that the day after i get back from vacation i have to go back to schoool. thank God its my last year of high school..

I'm thinking that I will just work allllllllllllllllll year, even if it leaves me no time for friends, and just next summer go on a trip.. maybe to NY, or.. CA. With katie. And maybe john. I dont know.. I just think we should do something amazing next summer.. We were thinking about apartments and all that shit, but we decided against it-- for now. I'm thinkin after, or during, college.

What I really really need right now.. Is a beer/wine cooler, a cute guy to flirt with, my best friend katie by my side, and some tasty food.

haha, THATS all i want right now. And alllll I'm not gonna get.

boo:(

fyi, being drunk and puking sucks.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Mon, 25 Jun 2007 17:12:50 GMT

AHHHHH

summer is great.=]

ive been spendin my days at katies. getting burnt a lobster red, and playing basketball with guys at the courts. SIIIIGH. i cant wait to go back there saturday! fireworks next week. HECK YES.